Friday, 9 September 2016

Why its Been So Quiet Over Here...... *PRE-WARNING- Deals with losing someone*



So.

Its been six months since i wrote on my blog here.

If you don't follow my blogs facebook page, you may not know the reason behind my sudden halt.

This is probably the hardest post I've written.  But i think it might be good for me to write it.

Put simply.  I lost the most important person in my life.  My mum.  She passed suddenly and so unexpectedly on 27th January 2016 from a brain hemorrhage.

Those who know me....know how devastated i was and still am. I lived with my mum - we were best friends, sisters, she was my bad influence, the light to my dark, my confidence booster..we shared everything......we laughed so much. We were both so happy to be with each other.  we had been estranged for 10 years due to a manipulator who had been jealous of my mum....and we let it happen.  So we only had the last 5 years....and i feel like shes been snatched away from me.  I literally feel like i've had half of me ripped away. The light part. The good part. And i'm wondering what to do without her. That's how strong our bond was....



I found her.
I've never been so frightened in my life....
999.....CPR.
ambulance....she was still breathing and her heart was pumping.

False hope...

4 hours later i was told there was nothing they could do - the bleed was too big.
i consented to organ donation, thinking mum would have wanted that.

But fate hadn't finished with us yet..just to add another kick......the part of her brain still working was keeping her breathing.....so from Saturday until early Wednesday morning i sat by her side holding her hand.....waiting for the most awesome, brilliant person i have ever known to stop breathing. 

The funeral was nice. It was my first.....
She would have been surprised at the amount of people who came.  She always thought no one would.  Even people she used to serve in her job came to say goodbye....
It was surreal.  It was like i was there but not.
The Reverend actually knew my mum from going into the cafe she worked in which i actually liked - that someone she knew was saying the last goodbye words to her....
Everyone was just shocked.  She wasn't old.  She wasn't ill. She showed no signs.  I feel angry that she was taken - she had so much life still to give...so much more love.  People say ill be angry at HER but its never happened...I'm angry FOR her. For ME.

No signs of anything was wrong.  We did our usual Friday night...we wore daft pyjamas, snuggly slippers, pulled a pouffe and a soft blanket over us, while we sat with a glass of wine, laughing at the TV.  Shed been at work that day, and everything was fine.
I went to bed a little before her.  She came up and asked what i was watching, i replied...and she said "see you tomorrow", i said "yep, love you" "love you more".....

I do the inevitable.....should i have....maybe if id....i should have known......if only id.....



She was a nutter.  Everyone who met her loved her.  She was mischievous, always smiling - like a walking ball of sunshine....you couldn't help but like her...

It still doesn't feel real.

She got us into this tradition of daft pyjamas at Christmas....and we loved it...




She was a total neat freak....i was a total messy pup....drove her mad!  But she loved the dogs and cats to bits....and they loved her.
She got the dogs the best bed:


We got them dressed up for Christmas which we howled at....

Max carried the snowman on his back.....








while Penny was fully dressed as a Penguin...flippers and all...

I actually have a video of her talking to Penny while shes like this....i treasure it....it was about a week before everything....







She knew i hadn't been anywhere in the world, so made it her job to try and get me to some places.  We went to Egypt, Cuba and Mexico.  Cuba was so beautiful and perfect we went twice.  I was terrified of flying....id grip her hand and shed have to talk to me as we took off - it was literally the point when the engines revved and the taking off bits i hated.

Oh god she was a bad influence on me out there!!! We were more than mum and daughter...we were sisters, best friends, confidantes, bad influences, conspirators.....it was brilliant.  We'd never argue...purely because we ended up laughing at each other...words were sometimes not needed...just a look said it all.

I watched Mrs Browns Boys last night (again, something she got me into)...and all i could think was how much she would have loved it....we would have been sat howling together on the sofa.

I think its those bits i miss the most.  The little bits.
Her coming home from work and me holding up a wine glass and cup saying "Tea or wine"?
Snuggling on the sofa watching crappy TV, laughing and chatting.
Making little plans to visit places - like a garden centre, or a shopping trip to London....
And right now - id be asking her to read the blog post, asking if it was OK, written alright, pictures OK etc....

I know i should thank that we got back together to have those extra five years with her....but i feel robbed of her....we still had so much to do....and then i start blaming myself again...what if the flying caused this? If she hadn't taken me on these holidays she wouldn't have got this clot....

When i was 16, i bought her a concert ticket to see Bon Jovi that my best friend and I were going to....I always said it was the one right thing i did as a teenager...she LOVED Jon Bon Jovi.  She sat on my friends shoulders as she was so short she couldn't see him.....

I have tons of music that remind me of her...but the last one was this:



When we were in Mexico i plugged my mp3 player into the TV after one night of cocktails and we danced around the room to it....even took pictures of her....

When we got back...every time it came on -if we were in the car, shed turn it right up and sing and dance along with it :)
The last time she did that was literally 2 days before it happened.

Then a few weeks ago...a song got played over and over again...and i know that some people (and I'm open minded and would like to think it was mum) believe in signs from loved ones.  Hearing the same song over is one them.  We both loved this. and when i really listened to it, then looked up the words....how can i not think its a sign.....


Anyway.  I'm thinking she would want me to carry on with this as she was as much a part of it as i was.  No post was ever posted without her nod of approval.  She came up with the name.

So i know this has been a bit of a sad post, but I'm going to do one that shows you exactly who my mum was and how you couldn't help but love her.

Thank you for reading this, if you have.  I'm going to try and come back to blogging to keep my mind occupied but its going to be a slow process i think.

Make sure you tell those you love that you do....and NEVER go to bed on an argument.

much love xxxx

5 comments:

  1. Oh Claire what a beautiful, and very sad, post. I listened to the music and I cried, for you and for myself as I lost my lovely Mum in December 2014, so still a relatively raw pain. But I think it does us good to cry, sometimes,and I do actually do it less now than a year ago, so progress I think? The pain is no less but as they say we just learn to carry on living.

    Bless you hon, be happy you had your five years, I had something similar as I moved back from America, after 11 years away, and had six years with Mum, I'm so grateful for that. lots of love to you Claire,
    Angela xx

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  2. Oh Claire, I was really hoping this was not a post I would be reading, knowing from your blog how much your mum meant to you and how close you had got, I am so so sorry. You are amazingly strong for being able to write this post and I hope you have someone you can turn too because you have had a very big shock.

    I think your mum would be very very proud of you and I am thankful you did get those 5 years, nothing can ever take that and your memories away xx

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  3. Aww such a sad but beautiful post, I've lost my father and brother so I know how gut renchingly awful it is.
    You sound like your managing and finding that strength each day. It took a year for me for both my dad and brother to feel half myself again although you never really get over it you just learn how to live with it.
    She sounded amazing ! Hugs k x

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  4. What a brave post Claire. I too lost my mum to a brain hemorrhage too some years ago, so I know how you feel (although I know everybody is different. I do agree with Abracadabra Girl that you do learn to live with it.

    I wish you all the best for the future ... and try not to beat yourself up about the What if's, the Maybe if I'd, the I should have's. You couldn't have known what was going to happen. And keep hold of all your good memories of her.

    My heart goes out to you

    Hugs, Julie

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  5. Nice sharing! Glad to read your post!

    GlassesShop

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